Dear Aynnie,

My pet parakeet died last week, and I've been looking for a good pet funeral home. Can you help?

Signed,
Bereaved Owner

Dear Bereaved,
Why on *earth* would you want to bury your dead parakeet? I mean, it is a *parakeet* for the love of mike! I don't get it, but if you really must go through with this crazy ritual, consult your nearest cat. The cat will measure the size of your bird, and give you a quote you cannot refuse, right away.

With much incredulity,
Aynnie

{editor's note Any pro or anti animal folk can bombard Aynnie at Dear Aynnie

~~
Dear Aynnie,

Do you have any washday hints for new brides?
Signed,
Filthy But Wearable

Dear Filthy,
NO, I don't have any washday hints for new brides. Come to think of it, since I've never been a bride, I don't even have many household hints at all. Contact Heloise if you want that kind of tripe. For now, take all those clothes and get thee to a laundromat! (a shower wouldn't hurt as well)

Backing away ever so slowly,
Aynnie
~~
Dear Aynnie,

My new boyfriend doesn't get along with my 17 cats that I've had since childhood. How do I make them get along?
Signed,
Torn

Dear Torn,
You said HOW many cats?! In my "humble" opinion, 17 cats is 17 too many, but I doubt you'd see it my way. Does your boyfriend have a legitimate complaint? Do you smell like cat every time he wants to take you out somewhere? Did they ruin his best frilly poet shirt? I'm afraid, either the cats go, or Mr. Sensitive goes. It's that simple. Of course if you take away his sense of smell...
Cat-o-Phobe,

Aynnie
~~~

See?! Now Wasn't that fun! Okay, go on with your funfilled, painful angst ridden lives and let me nap for another week!

...you may be able to click on more "Horrorscopes next week, if you are really, really good! What will your wonderful, terrific, future look like! Stay tuned!