Rookie director Kevin Donovan has obviously tried to make The Tuxedo a clever satire of the James Bond films. A few problems have kept him from succeeding: the script is banal and his two leads aren't great actors.

     Not that people go to see Chan for his acting skills. They're out to see a dynamic action figure who blends his martial-arts skills with the slapstick mannerisms of Buster Keaton and the Three Stooges. Chan's best when he doesn't have to work with a lot of dialogue, relying instead on a sidekick to drive the one-liners. This has worked for him in the recent past, most notably with Owen Wilson in the 2000 film, Shanghai Noon. Alas, Jennifer Love Hewitt, his counterpart here, is no Owen Wilson.

     Screenwriters Michael J. Wilson and Michael Leeson make a few direct references to Ms. Hewitt's "nice rack" in the script. Perhaps they were trying to justify why she got cast to play Mr. Chan's sidekick. Hewitt plays the same pouty little twerp she portrayed on Party Of Five (albeit with a bit more martial arts training). Given her suggestive attire throughout the film, it's apparent that acting skills weren't a prerequisite for the role. Even her lab coats are conveniently form-fitted.

     Even a more competent actor couldn't have resuscitated this lame-duck story. Chan plays Jimmy Tong (or as he will later put it, "Tong… James Tong" — cue audience laugh track here). Jimmy is a lowly cab driver who somehow gets recruited by a sleuthy femme fatale (Debi Mazar) to drive for a special agent named Clarke Devlin (Jason Isaacs, one of the film's few bright notes). Devlin is a real smooth operator, a Bond-like character who can do no wrong. He works for an agency called the CSA, and whaddya know, the agency's headquarters bear a striking resemblance to Toronto's City Hall! The filmmakers at least had the good sense not to place their HQ in the CN Tower while filming in Toronto and Mel Lastman doesn't make any cameos.

     When an assassination attempt leaves Devlin in the hospital, Jimmy discovers the agent's skills came not from training, but from his high-tech tuxedo. This suit is loaded with gadgets that would come from Q's wet dreams. Given Devlin's request, Jimmy assumes his role, dressing the part to track down a criminal-minded water magnate (Ritchie Coster). The evil biz-knob is looking to poison the world's water supply and make people reliant on his bottled product. Add in special agent Hewitt and our dynamic duo is off on their mission.

     This CSA is a great agency — it takes two-thirds of the film for one of the agents to realize that Devlin's chauffeur is doing his work. Meanwhile, we get sporadic scenes where Chan gets to strut his stuff (one scene, where he imitates James Brown's moves, is particularly memorable). They're few and far between, however, and don't compensate for the hole-ridden plot or the excessive screen time that Hewitt is given.

     A good portion of the screening audience stayed to watch the obligatory out-takes, which generated more laughs than the film itself. One has to wonder if a paying audience will laugh as hard.